I WAS SAVING THAT BACON

Karma My testicles!

2009-08-24T19:45:29Z

So for those of you who have read my journal entries lately you know that I have been having some issues with room mates, well now they arent my room mates anymore and they said " oh boo hoo hoo Karam is gunna get you back and you will learn to be a better person" blah blah, whiney bullshit. And they are right. Karma has gotten me back, but not in the way they probably wanted it to. Ha fucking ha. Today a great many good things happened including the fallowing, I have a few job interviews, one of which is very promising since they were trying like hell to get a hold of me, We went to social services is and Wes is well on his way to getting general assistance and also has contact info so he can get onto SSI by the time his General assistance ends, and to add some sweet sweet icing to the cake our land lord came by and told us to pay rent for august, and completely bypassed our back rent for the month of July. I guess he slipped up on his book work or something, but now we just owe for this month, which we already took care of today, SO SUCK IT GIRLS. Oh and on top of the job thing if one other many applications i put in and interviews i have scheduled dont work out my family called today and asked that if i dont have a job if they can fly me down to my Aunt bonnie's and take care of her for a month while she recooperates from surgery, for a few hundred bucks a week.

Granted i don't know what to do about that since i would be gone an entire month in a place i don't know and that kinda freaks me out hardcore.

BUT STILL. If i was a bad person why would all of these good things happen to me within the span of one day? exactly my point. Good Karma is good, and paid where it is needed and deserved. And I think we rightly deserve it.

fan-Fucking-tastic

2009-08-22T09:48:24Z

Yesterday morning we kicked out the girls, as advised by all of my friends, All of them. Now they are in hate with us, which what ever i don't even care. Vada even went so far as to write a shrewd journal entry about it on FA and i don't know why else she would have done that but to start some shit. She says that she thinks Karma will bite us in the ass and that hopefully some day we will be better people. LIKE SHE DOESNT FUCKING REALIZE WE WERE TAKING CARE OF THEM. I am sorry, but i hate two faced bitches, hate them, I don't know why I let them stay here in the first place now, I should have just said no when they asked that very first day. They said they needed to stay for a while not for the rest of their fucking lives. And now her and Karissa have to be seperated for a while. Boo Fucking WHO. Bitch Bitch whine whine. It just pisses me off really badly that she is so blind sighted that she doesn't even see that she was a complete useless dick to us, or even that karma is already taking its toll on us. Honestly I think as far as Karma goes i Am paid in full right now. Oh and they took my phone charger, and are avoiding me and holi so we can't get it back, fucking dyke bitches. I just quit. She thinks she has been such a good friend to us all the time, she says i was there through holi's seizures, you know what yeah she was but after the second one vada may as well have bitched her out for not taking her meds instead of putting it to her gently. And she says she was there for me, and she was, don't get me wrong. She USED to be a fantastic friend, but she stopped doing that a long fucking time ago, around the time she said " I only care about me and Karissa." That much made it abundantly clear. If you have any desire to go forth and defend my honor, which i doubt anyone does, Then her sn on FA is Lavadakay. But don't think its absolutely necessary.

I am so done with them that i dont even want them to know where i live or what i do for a living. Hell i would very much adore it if i never saw them again. They think Karma will bite us, They should just wait to see what it has in store for them

Rawr

2009-08-18T04:10:18Z

So i only seem to post here when i am mad, or angry and i appologize for that but this is just about the only place i have where i can vent about almost anything.

Lets list the ups first, that way you know that i know my life isnt terrible and that i am just aggitated with the way it is right this second. Jaki fixed my computer, which is an incredibly blessing, And i am so grateful for it, it runs smoothly and fantastically and he even got me an external hard drive to stick all my shit on, so i am stoked out and bottom line i am his artistic slave for the next 5 to 7 years of my life, which is fine. I will do it, the guy has done so much for me that i dont think i could ever afford paying him back in cash.

Next on the list, my zune broke, but i got a new one with 4 times the space. Which was bitchen.

Jaki also got holi and i several art supplies. THANK YOU

Holi is back, which is a big plus since i think she might be one of the only people who has a good head on her shoulders anymore, god knows i dont.

Okay now onto the baddy bad's.

My car is broken. Again after i just fixed it, they think this time its teh alternater which is fucking expensive so i was driving the old 87 ford taurus that we also own, and it broke down on me about 1 mile or a mile and half from home, So we pulled it off the road and walked. And then a day later it got towed and put into storage even though it was off the road with its hazards on. So now we cant afford to get that car back so they are going to just dispose of it for us. Unfortunately the key to my other broken car is lost and we havent been able to find it so it might be in the 87. fuck.

Due to this, and due to things before hand we moved a couple extras into our home, Vada and Karissa, who originally were quite helpful except for they didnt help pay any bills. And still dont. And they are fucking messy, and fucking supid, and fucking ignorant to their own mess and bitch and me and holi for not cleaning up our own messes, when we fucking do. when they left for four days the house was spotless the whole time they were gone and its because those fat bitches are fucking pigs. They eat more food than they put into our cabnets, leaving them a barren fucking wasteland by the time the food is gone. We spend upwards of 400 dollars a month on food alone. When it was just holi wes chad an i, it was less than 200. Now so you know, when i say fat i dont mean it as a term for their weight, because honestly i dont have problems with anyones physical appearance. But when you eat more sugar in three days than i do in 3 months and tell me. ME that i am going to die of diabeties, joke or not, get the fuck out. When i say fat its basically a term for a bitch, which means i am being redundant, i am calling them fat bitches would translate, to bitch bitches in my language. And I am sorry but spending all of your 200 bucks of food stamp money at trader joes, barely buys you anything compared to winco, or foodmax, because its "organic." And eating "Organic" doesnt translate into " dieting" like they seem to think it does. And then when wes goes and gets food for the house, most of which i purposely told him to get for himself, they tend to eat it first since its quick and its easy and then their healthfood and vegies they buy rot before they use them. What a fucking waste of money. They have been staying here 2 and a half months and they havent paid me but 20 bucks for rent, when our electric bill has doubled, they usually have control of MY tv, they use all of MY art supplies and dont replace them, THEY MAKE GIANT MESSES AND BLAME THEM ON EVERYONE BUT THEMSELVES.

Want to know the best part? They ignore holi now, no doubt because they just consider her to be a bitch and that anything she says doesnt matter. When holi said she gets tired and thats why she doesnt pick up things sometimes vada gives her a blank glare and says " Im tired too, and i still do it." That might be relevant if vada had a fucking job and knew what it was like to work a fucking 8 hour day lifting boxes and cleaning up other peoples fucking messes and haveing to walk to and from work because the only person with a car(which is vada) says she doesnt have enough gas and just takes her dog to the park instead. FUCK YOU. Thats right, holi asked nicely for a ride home from work from vada, because i didnt want to wake up, and vada told her no. Chad and holi are basically supporting everyone in this house right now and those two have no fucking respect for that fact. Better still, holi found their vibrater on our couch. THEIR VIBRATER. That is disgusting, i know its where they sleep and all but frankly i dont care, if holi and i can hide our shit from plan sight in our rooms they can sure as fuck hide theirs in their clothes or something. I know there isnt much room in this house, face it its a two bedroom apartment, it gets fucking stressful. When holi brought the vibrator to their attention they may as well have blatently ignored her. They sat down and vada started coloring. They didnt move it, they didnt appologize, they just sat there, and acted like nothing had fucking happened. I am sorry but that is fucking disgusting. The leave shit on all the time, the oven, the stove top, the coffee pot, and they will just leave it and act like its nothing. Today we came home to an empty house, having been gone for about 2 hours and the stove was on. If this house had burnt to the ground i swear to god i would have thrown them into the flames, i dont care, i Am livid.

We need help on bills which they help create and they give us none. Vada says no one in this house matters to her but Karissa because no one puts gas in her fucking car. Well i dont care about either of them since they dont want to help pay the 600 dollar rent, or the 130 dollar electric bill ( that used to be 70 before they came), the internet bill. All things they use every fucking day and they cant must up 50 bucks, 70 bucks, to help pay the bills. When Karissa has been telling me how much more her check was than she thought it would be. Another thing that kills me is that they have a german sheppard mix puppy, and he is already bit, and he makes this house a mess, Its a two bedroom apartment, he doesnt belong here, and neither do they.

Vada quite shortly after moving in, right after i lost my job. So i am jobless too now, and they dont understand why im stressed out and pissed off. They are telling me i am meaner since holi came back. Maybe i am, frankly i dont give a shit.

The biggest problem i have is that because they dont listen to holi is that i have to be the one to bitch at them about anything, because aparently holi doesnt matter to them. Holi's only just the person supporting them atm.

They also tried telling me that wes's anxiety is a lie. Yeah you can say that unless you have a conscience, I have seen him shaking so bad he couldnt hold a pen and was damned near vomiting everywhere. I have seen him get so sick from it that he can barely speak and doenst even want me around. The next time someone tries to pull that i just might hit them as hard as i can in the face.

Bottom line is, I am jobless and looking for work.

I live with two angry bitches who never shut up and watch stupid shit all day. And make huge messes.

And i am only keeping them here because they have a car so i can go job hunting with them.

Fuck everything. Im going to bed.

I give up

2009-05-20T15:38:46Z

My icon is probably the best representation of how i feel right now out of my icon list even though its meant to be a humorous stab at Julia's expense since i hate that character. I feel like pounded shit, i have for the past couple of weeks because i have been working so damned much, i have almost no free time for anything mostly because what free time i do have i spend awake while everyone else is asleep since my sleep schedule is fucked to no end. Not that that is anyone;s fault but my own. I am working two jobs, one is forcing me to wake up before the sun is can be there at 530 for work and stay until about 3 on the norm, then the other job works me nights, so like 6-9 or so, little short shifts, but just enough to kill my energy and leave me exhausted by the time i get home normally. I am doing this so that i can save up money and we can move the next time we get a chance.

Now to put some icing on the cake. About 3 weeks ago my boy friend said he wanted to slow things down and possibly take a break. Which upset me greatly, i cant explain to you how much time i spent crying after that conversation, it broke me just a little bit, made a small fracture in the glass so to speak. He said that he felt like he was only giving me 50 percent of a relationship when i deserve the whole thing, and i didnt see it that way. I like our relationship, frankly as long as i can cuddle kiss and hug i am very very content. He said thats whats been getting on his nerves. SO i went with it, did as he said, barely touched him, stayed away as much as i could seeings as we are sharing the same bed. Then one evening he comes in all frisky and lays down to cuddle, of course i am happy, i am getting attention from the guy i care more about in this world than i have any other man in my life. I mean lets face it he is the only guy i have trusted enough to open up to on many many different levels. So we fool around have some fun, a few nights later it happens again. A few nights after that it happens one more time, even if i was exhausted.

Then this morning happened. He came in at 730 and said that we needed to talk again. I thought we were past this, that he was over the whole slowing down thing, but i guess i was wrong. He told me that we were to take a break and that he might start sleeping on the couch. I guess i am too much of a pain in his ass to want to deal with any more. Oh well i guess. Chad just walked in the door and i almost broke down and cried on him. I think its time for me to stop.

Well Fuck

2009-05-03T12:27:49Z

I realize right now how i kind of sort of never post, which is fine really since i dont have all the time in the world for it, nor do i usually have anything to write about that would be of interest to anyone but me. But right now i kind of need to be a whiner, so thats exactly what i am going to do.

Lately i have been very stressed out, and by this i mean my heart pounds harder than it should out of seemingly no where, not having jogged or anything, or even really having had to think real hard about anything thats been upsetting me personally, though often times that can trigger it. Worse yet is i think it happens more when i am around great deals of people since i feel like i constantly have to keep look out or keep my gaurd up since i know so many shmo's in this town that i prey never to see again. But realistically whats been happening happens the most when i am trying to sleep. Which is just fantastic since i have to work mornings btw. I toss and turn, my heart pounds and throbs and when i finally get to sleep my ears still detect every tiny sound so something wakes me up and i have to do it all over again. Its getting very frustrating. And it seems like the only time i actually get to sleep and sleep a good long sleep is when i have been crying until my eyes cant possibly produce any more fluid. Or until i convince myself that i am being gross.

Why i have been stressed. I am certain that there are many factors. I am working two jobs, one of which isnt a problem for me in the least, that being Kmart since i am already used to it. The second of which is Ampm, which i am certain is just stressing me out since its still very very new to me, and new jobs have a tendancy to be stressful since you have to learn new things. There is also the fact that five people are sharing one car and while that didnt used to be a big deal at all, now schedules are begining to overlap because of my second job. So my Bf, wes, is having to drive holi and i to and from work on certain days, which shouldnt be a big deal since all he does really is sit at home all day anyway, and usually its nothing but of course he whines about it. The next factor is that the same guy waited until my vacation for holi's birthday, our time of relaxation, to tell me that we needed to slow things down and that he was thinking of moving back to texas with his mother, then shortly after this conversation he bagan talking to some female friend on the phone for hours on end. And when i say slow down its not like " lets stop having sex, lets not do this lets not do that." its like he doesnt want me to touch him at all. No kissing, no cuddling, no hugging because the last time i tried that he told me i was smothering him. I know this all sounds emensley childish, and i know it is, to a point i care that i am feeling in such a young demeanor. But damnit i am hurt, i am jealous and i cant fucking sleep.

Now because of these things i am constantly worrying myself about how other people are thinking or feeling or viewing me or my friends. I feel like i cant relax, and like someone is always mad with me or upset about something i did at some point in time, and i and begining to loose it over that.
I also worry about holi, she had her own problems with stress the last thing she needs is to worry about someone else because i am sure it will just stress her out more.

So i called in to both of my jobs yesterday, and i am trying to go to one today within a matter of minutes i will be on my way there. Hopfully i dont loose my mind and throw up all over everything. It was nice that my new boss was so concerned for my well being though, to a point where he almost tried to convince me to stay home today aswell, and when that failed he said he would just call in someone from night time early so i could go home a little early and rest.

I guess thats all i have to say for now, especially since i am out of time.

I am back from work now. Holi is in the other room talking to wes about something, there has been some raising of voices but no yelling i would say. but i am stressed out because i think its going to end in wes being mad at me. Which wouldnt be a problem if i wasnt so damned sensative.

damnit.

I'm addicted to stress

2009-03-20T09:31:47Z

I guess this might be me to the truest sense of the words, but Only if its stress from a work place. Lately I have been having serious problems with being depressed, and there for easily effected by the things that people say and do, no matter who it is, no matter who they are talking to, shit is managing to get me down to a huge extent. Whether it is intentional or not. So i have decided to try to let it all go in here.

I have been having mad Jealousy issues, over everything, i don't know if its just because i am that insecure because i don't find myself particular appealing or worthy of a persons affections. Or if its justified. I can almost not stand it when my bf talks to other girls on the computer, let alone when he refers to me as his room mater when in conversation with them. I think i am just paranoid. Then there is the fact that he seems additionally distant towards me lately, like he is talking to me much, and i haven't gotten to cuddle with him or just talk or anything. But we usually do our talking online, despite the fact that we live in the same house. And here's a shocker, i haven't been getting online at all almost, so that part is my fault.

I feel like i hate everything and i know i dont. I feel like all i want to do is dig a hole in the ground and stop everything that i am doing because it feels like the only way to relieve it.

I hate chad. More than some might possibly know, he stays in my house and continually tries to get out of paying his end of teh rent so he can go buy things for himself. And we cant kick him out because what money he does contribute still helps and without it we might be up shit creek without a paddle. The best part is if i hadn't mentioned it today, he had never even known i was mad at him. THATS HOW STUPID HE IS. So i have been job hunting like crazy to no end, and i have gotten one interview. One. And i dont think she will hire me since i have another part time job. I feel like i am the only one who can shoulder the responsability of grabbing a second job to get us by, since i have a better history than wes, and holi has a problem with stress where she throws up or has seizures. So i am stress about not being able to get another job so that i can relieve the tension our house. But at the same time i am needlessly jealous of the two other people who i think shouldnt or won't ( depedning on who) get another job. ( dont take offense to that since its not meant that way )

I am stressed out because my car has to be fixed, since the brakes seized on me last week, thankfully holi's pop gave us a car on the fly, so we have transportation until then. But i still have an insurance payment on my other car, and i have to get this other car insurance as well which will be another 100 some odd dollars i am sure of it. And now i have to do this even faster since I got pulled over tonight because, i guess a brake light is out. And instead of giving me a ticket for the brake light since i literally just got the car last week, she decided to give me a fix it ticket for insurance on the vehicle. Fantastic, the more expensive of the two possible tickets, more money to spend on FUCKING BULL SHIT BILLS THAT I WILL POSSIBLY HAVE UNLESS I WORK FULL TIME AND PART TIME JOBS.

needless to say i am a little bit upset.

I get upset over trivial little things and end up saying things that are alot meaner than i mean to be with people. I feel constantly like i have to defend myself in every aspect. And basically i feel like the survival of my house, my life, and my room mates is resting on my shoulders. Granted i usually like it that way. But i am just stressed out.

I really just want to crawl into a hole and stop existing. And i hate that feeling.

Mexico?

2009-03-03T04:27:18Z

So I am gunna talk 'bout my day yesterday, because while its kind of sad i guess, its hilarious to me even though it kind of makes me a crappy person, or at least a crappy girl friend. Lulz.

So yesterday we discovered that we have a huge lack of nutrition in our home, which is lame, actually we realized it many many days before then, but we figured food stamp renewal day was on the first, so we were all thrilled to go shopping, but as it turns out they dont come through until the 8th, or something like that. LAME. So not only have most of the people in the house been going hungry or just eating the baren scraps we do have, but we have to do it for another 4 or 6 days. Depending on when the food stamps show up again. So I have already been upset recently, I have been at work all morning and I am cranky as hell, and feeling pretty down. I even got into a little spat with Wes, which made things worse. But i called up my dad's house to see what was up, say hi, because i could and he asked why i didnt come and see him that day. The conversation there after turned into " I didnt know i was supposed to?" " Well can you come up now, we are having dinner and ice cream cake." My father of all people, but it was awesome, holi and i went up t here, after i swindled holi into coming with me, and by swindle i mean i pouted at her because i didnt want to go by myself. THANK YOU HOLI.

So we go up there, and Kimi can generally tell when something is wrong so she asks whats up and i just lie and say nothing, so i hope she isnt worried. I am still pretty upset for multiple reasons, all of which are generally pretty oafish and silly, or are completely based around that whole, i am stressed out of my mind factor. So we eat, watch a movie, hang out with Chris and Krissie, Dusty and his wife and baby, Alicia ( who is pregnant and her asshole boy friend left her and is treating her like dirt), and dad and kimi, oh and Grnadma ann, Pop failed to mention he had a damned party over. Though when i brought it up he said it was no such thing, just friends over for a bbq. In my mind thats what a party is though, friends over for eats and fun, and i am not too fond of being around so many people who care so much at once, it overwealms me because they all ask me twelve million questions about my life. " How are you holi? how's your boyfriend Sasha? Are you going back to school? Hows the car running?" All that Jazz. So the night dwindles down and people are leaving one by one or in pairs. Until its just Holi, Kimi, me and the old man. Mine pa pa.

This where shit gets weird to me. He was telling holi and I about a cruise to Mexico they are planning on taking next January with the family, Alright cool, I mean i would like to go but i figure its just for the people who can afford it and i dont wanna go without holi or someone anyway, since being around my family by myself makes me feel very alone. Then her comes the curve ball, "Of course we expect you and holi to come and we will pay your deposits for you so all you have to worry about is about half the cost, and the cost includes your meals and beverages and activities on the boat." Wait wat? I have to let them know by the end of the week. I know it would be fun but still, Holi and i have to discuss it with the rest of the house.

We leave, and we come home, I am still kind of upset, by this time my body has tried breaking down into tears like four times, and i couldnt figure out why. So when we get home i come to my computer, i kind of talk things out with wes, and let him know why i was upset and he lets me know why he was upset. And all the while I am bitching and ranting at bryce about this that and the other thing, because he offered. XP I am not sure why he is being so nice towards me again. But I end up crawling in bed pretty early since i am cranky pants even though we talked things out and i sob as quietly as i can for about 40 minutes hoping it will make me feel better in some weird way. Wes mauls me and tries to cheer me up a few times. But eventually after i have perked up a bit i fall asleep. Well I guess after i passed out wes got naked and crawled into bed with me and tried to cuddle me and give me some lovins, and i guess i just pushed him away and rolled over and fell asleep. I dont remember this, but god i feel like a dirt bag XP

Anyway, thats the Summary of yesterday.
NO ONE IS HIRING IN TOWN AND ITS MAKING ME SO MAD. Cuz i needs the moneys to save up and to fix my damned car( now that the registration is done the brakes are going, and quickly FUCK)

And on Special not to JAKI. When you read this i want you to know that my cell phone has been broken, so if you have been trying to contact me i havent been getting the messages since my stupid phone wont work. I AM SORRY. AND I AM NOT AVOIDING YOU.

Stolen meme

2009-03-02T07:34:51Z

you know who you are.
rules:
Go to http://www.urbandictionary.com and type in your answers to the following questions.
Post the definition it gives you.
Tag 3 people

1)Your name? Sasha

She's the coolest girl you'll ever meet. She's fun to be around and is always there to help you when you need it. She's sexy and is confident about herself. She's shy and loud all at the same time. She's always hanging out with her friends. She's seen a million movies and read a million books. She's caring and passionette. She's afraid of what will happen if she spills her secrets, yet she's willing to do it. Its all because she's in love with a really cool guy (who just happens to be one of her really good friends) Sadly, he just hasn't noticed so he doesn't know it yet.
Sasha loves him, yet he has no clue.

2)Your age? 21
The age at which one is finally considered human.

3)One of your friends?Michael

An amazing man who is kind and generous. Micheals make amazing lovers, and are very romantic. Many people admire Micheals and wish that they could be a Micheal, or were dating a Micheal. Micheals are generally very intelligent. Micheals tend to fall for girls named Jessica. Micheal and Jessica's share a kind of love that can usually only be seen in fairytales. They may go through many trials but they will always love eachother no matter what happens. Micheals are amazing and everyone should know this. Any Jessica that has a Micheal fall in love with her should understand how lucky she really is.

4)What should you be doing?Sleeping

To masturbate furiously in your room while praying that your grandma doesn't come in.

????

5)Favorite color?Green

yes... it is most definitely referring to the marijuana... and also, upon occassion, any substance with similar uses. too, properly, of course, it is a golfing term, but that;s really not very much fun, now is it?
'yo, where da green at?'

6)Birthplace? Sacramento
The Capital of California. Any moron who thinks that there's nothing here but agricultural areas has obviously passed judgement before even visiting here. I've lived here my whole life and I ain't ever seen no livestock up in here! why does everyone call it cowtown for? i've never seen any cows here! sactown is underated- it has an awesome nightlife and plenty of other things to do, plus it has a small town feel despite its big city size cuz ppo are more friendly here than in most large cities. and no, sacramento is not in virginia, unless there's a tiny town there by that name that isn't on the map. stop hatin on the kings cuz if ya ask me the lakers suck more!
"sacramento is a kick ass city!"

7)Month of your birth? July

Someone from Spanish ethnic calling a person a liar
"You said you were gonna take me out for margaritas & tacos but you didn't show up. July to me Julyer! "

8)Last person talked to? Bryce

the act of driving innocent people insane
"Dude! I got bryced by that wack Chinese guy!"

9)One of your Nicknames? Muffin

A girls vagina - Many different kinds like blueberry (shaved), buttered (with cum), and many more.
"Hey baby, can I butter your muffin?"

Tax returns

2009-02-19T07:46:22Z

FUCK IT

FUCK YOU CHAD

2009-02-09T05:01:08Z

Okay So maybe this isnt as bad as i think it is, and i know its not my situation to get involved in, but this is fucking stupid and i want to get it out. OKay so today i went to wotrk and came home for my lunch and holi, la veda, and Carissa were sitting in their room, chatting it up having a grand old time, and right when i was getting ready to leave holi accidentally pulled apart her pen, as it turns out it broke. Holi is upset, and i completely understand, that is an expensive ass peice of equipment, i would be pretty pissed too, so i leave her alone like she had asked me and la veda and carissa to do, and i went back to work. I come back, and i go in and chat with her for a bit. We are laughing, things are okay, new pens are 30 bucks or so, chill, we can get it when we get her taxes back or mine as the case may be, and she can use my tablet until then when she wants to draw since i never use it. So we are getting ready to leave so we can go to block buster and pick up a second copy of left4dead, so we can play on two tv's and have radical awesome zombie sexuality up in the hizouse. Holi turns and asks chad about her blanket, which we had put into the wash earlier today( a cat peed on it) holi had asked chad quite a while ago, and after she had asked, he took his sweet ass time getting down t here so he could sit on his fucking lazy ass, and fucking read fan fiction because thats all he fucking does and it fucking pisses me off in itself. Because he waited so long to go and get it it was gone when he went down there. Here is the clencher, instead of going into holi's room and checking to see if she got it herself, or if she didnt so that he could tell her it was gone, he waited until this exact moment to say anything about it. THAT WAS HER FAVORITE FUCKING BLANKET, YOUR A FUCKING IDIOT AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT I WISH I COULD SHIT ON YOU AND THEN VOMIT ON YOU AND CATCH YOU ON FIRE WITH MY EYES SO I DIDNT HAVE TO WASTE THE GAS FROM A LIGHTER. *deep breath.* And he acts like its nothing, like a total emotionless robot, when either of us get upset he just looks at us and says to " stop bitching" or my favorite, " What crawled up your ass today." I let him stay here as a favor, but i have news for you pal, the second wes gets a job and the option is available for me you are out of my house, it ends here. No more of your snarky remarks and your creepy pedophile smile. No more of yoru shrewd asshoel remarks, no more of you sleeping on my couch and getting mad when holi or i want you use OUR laptop. Piss off, Eat shit, Die.

Ps. The only people who cared enough to do anything about the situation were me and Veda, we are waiting on info back from the maintenance man.

It Lives again

2008-12-12T04:58:15Z

I had completely forgotten about my poor LJ for 2 whole years, Jezus CHRIST, whats wrong with me? I probably just don't write here cuz i figure my journals don't matter, i don't even write them on muh regular site's, but Esther helped me do this shit and get it back together again 8D Hurray Esther.

In the last two years Shit hit the fan, reassembled itself, then spattered about again like a block of C4 Shoved up your Anus because you ate too much damned taco bell, metaphorically speaking that is. I quit my Del Taco job, for those of you who didn't know because you heard it from me first hand, because after a solid year I realized what a shit hole it was and how much I wanted to walk in there with a sawed off Shot gun and kill everyone there, innocent friendly bi standard or not. I was pissed, basically the boss lady came in on her day off to yell at me until I sobbed, then everyone quit with me XD.

I Got a new job, and new friends, for a time it was good. This was at Round Table, I started out just delivering Pizza, super chill job, tip money every day and plenty of money to get by since we had a Ghetto little 2 bedroom the cost 650 at the time including our utilities. It was awesome. Somehow they brainwashed me into thinking it was a wonderful idea to get promoted, sure why not my life wasn't that important, lets destroy it with senseless work drama 8D. I am kind of an idiot like that XD. Anyway, they promoted me after being there for only like 3 months and i learned everything, it was good at first, then they decided it would be a good idea to cut our hours back from about 600 a week, to about 300 a week. WEAK SAUCE. Then all of our other supervisors either got fired or quit for various reasons, Pregnancy, theft, School, yada yada yada. Leaving Myself, the Assistant, and the Manager as the only people in the store who knew our ass from a whole in the ground. It was lame, and the Manager was getting bitchier and bitchier by the day. Finally I just started not showing up on her begining on her first day back from a horrid surgery including 3 incisions to remove tumors, she came back about 9 days earlier than she should have cuz her boss is a dirt bag. And i didn't show up cuz I am a cut throat bitch and she was bitching anyway, I just like to see if she will appreciate me more what i am gone since she didn't when i was there. I was closing PIC for 2 years and everything was always done right the first time, and I went through 5 different new Supervisors in the training process that all quit right after getting trained, it was stupid. A bunch of people bailed on the store after I left, because apparently I was the glue holding it all together, it was an amazing amount of pressure. So I quit cuz I hated it after the first year.
We went to yaoi con, there was a whole mess of drama I don't want to get into, bottom line was that it was a blast when we got to it and we met some people we were dying to meet and now are like in love with and want out here super bad. WHY CAN'T I AFFORD A MANSION YET.Anyway, around the same time as the con, actually a little before we had a new room mate move out here from Texas, and as of now we are together, like just as of last week, its quite wonderful and odd since I haven't been in a relationship like ever, so far I like it, we will see. XD So far he is pretty wonderful and like I said he lives with us. There was some drama in this category in this matter too, but it doesn't particularly matter, it will just make me upset to think about it.
Did I Mention we moved somewhere in there? While I was still working at Round Table, second job mentioned, We moved to a nicer, slightly bigger apartment, the kitchen and bathroom are HUGE compared to the last place. We love it, we have three wonderful cats, two girls, one is tiny and clingy, one is huge with 7 toes on her front two paws, and a male cat, who is our eldest, he is huge, and fat and mean, but i love him anyways.
We got ANOTHER roommate, her name is bre, she is really friendly and just got over a bad relationship, and she is sad and is sick a lot which makes me sad cuz she can't hold down food, suckzilla for her.
I think that about covers the important events in the last two years... OH and i found another within a week of quiting my old ones, because i am just THAT awesome.

THATS IT FROM ME
PEACE

ODJF;AOSDIFJA

2008-12-12T02:14:26Z

OMG I'M A JOURNAL!

This is a public service announcement

2006-05-06T00:24:30Z

SO the world does always have its ups and its downs, so I figured I would post a journal about my ups and my downs since my life is so damned enteraining ( like a bad soap opera).

first we will rip on the bad with friends I guess before it fades.
I hate my friends to be in pain, as a matter of fact I try to keep them from it at all costs if they let me, this includes all of my friends even some of the more reluctant ones, whom I wish I could help more but I only seem to hurt one of them in particular whenever I try. A certain friend of mine with blond hair and a talll dutch build has cut a certain shorter burnett friend of mine very deeply, but they cut eachother I guess, or so I have been told. All of my friends and I have been through so much shit this year that it is simply ridiculous, my mom was in iraq a nd I didn't hear from her for months, my friends mother passed away from cancer, another one of my friends step father left their family and now her mother is returning to the cock sucker. ( I had to work with him the whole time it was happening and I do not cope well with liars who cheat on their wives with girls as old as their own daughters) On top of that there has been friend trouble, which could very well be why there was friend trouble in the first place. Now my blond friend and I are two very differant people and even though she upset me sometimes I still care for her very deeply and even when she does something I don't necessarrily agree with I still try to see her reasons for it and still try to maintain being friends through it. When friend A called because her mother had passed away on christmas day, she said " do you need me there?" a logical question but me on the other hand I just instinctively came to her call, however for the months of seveire mental trauma for this girl my blond friend stuck by her and gave her what she needed where I could not. Same with friend B wehn her father figure left, even if it was the middle of the night and I had work at six am.Though I was the first one she called in that scenario I believe.

the blond and the brown have been at eachothers throats for the past year almost, or it seems like it has been that long about almost everything. My blond friend is bad at confrontation, and that is one of the huge reasons that my brown friend gets so irritated with her, because she can easily be highly confrontational, if she has something to tell you you know. AND if you don't know thenshe is acting in such a way that you know something is up. These two make eachother cry more than anyone else I know, I have never seen one person shed so many tears over a friend as my brown friend has, and from another source I hear that my blond sheds an equal amount of tears. My brunett friend only sheds tears because she longs to still be friends with the blond and in her eyes all she sees is her blond friend trying to avoid her at all costs. What is unseen is the only reason the blond friend avoids her and everyone around her ( myself and friend A) because she is afriad of my brown friends, because she has changed, and she yells, but out of her yelling usually she heals and comes back around. She was the one who called my blond friend and wanted to have a birthday with her, because their birthdays are near, she wants to be near to the blond friend again, and she said ok, and all day my burnett friend tried to be around my blond friend and she almost completely ignored her to what I saw. Then I hear that the only one she felt was trying to reach out to her was me, I was flattered, but completely outraged, my burnet friend at one point sat in my blond friends lap and tried to talk with her and she could think of nothing to say. These two used to be closer than anyone else I know, my blond friend once told me that my burnett friend was her favorite person in the world, that hurt, but it made me proud of them.

In this past year we have all changed for better or worse, one of use has become almost a complete coward who only lets herself free in art work, another who gets angry, then depressed and cries herself to sleep and sleeps for long periods of time, two of us have a full time job and do all we can to stay happy and keep our respective friends happy by trying our damnist to stay happy. The last tries to keep happy most of the time, and hangs out with my burnett friend and has fun, which they both need.

This is all fucking retarded and I think we all need to get over it. I have a difficult time letting people fucking go, and my blond friend and her curly haired counterpart, and my burnett friend and esther, all think that they are gleeful that they will not have to see the others for a year at the least, which I have been told may be the best action, to not see one another for a while, like a long time. I HATE letting people go. I can barely fucking stand it when people fucking quit at work, but all sides are seemingly happy for right now, I just wish we could all stop hurting long enough to not be blinded by it.

it hurts that we're doing this and I hope I am not the only one, but do what you all think is right. I personally think if we all would stop avoiding eachother shit like this would stop happening, but whatever. when we were in highschool and we saw the bad in eachother we didn't have a choice but to be around eachother the next day, now we see eachother so rarely that if you make a mistake, if you slip up and say something mean, even if you don't mean it, it still feels like you do and leaves a bad impression. This has been happening since furcon. People need to get over your own fucking bullshit and not drag it into your friendships, and I don't mean not to share your problems, no no, I mean if your angry about something don't snap at your friends about it when it wasn't their fault, or avoiding them for something that is your own bullshit, The only reason any of us were ever really mad with our blond friend was because she never came around to see us, we miss her, that was the only reason, now for certain parties it has only grown. I just want all of my friends back together and fucking blissful. I never thought I would miss high school this fucking much. So dear ms. blond and ms. burnett there was a time where you two were simply retarded for eachother, loved one another, were incredible friends, it CAN and it WILL be that way again someday. Even if something really shitty has to trigger it.

At this birthday there were also two extra friends, jaki and woofie, they made it fun, and we had a great time all in all, if you look at it the agression doesn't outweigh maybe evens out with the fun we had. And in a couple weeks march 19-21 we would like to go visit them if its alright with them. and when I am there ryan is going to visit me for a while... just a day or so, you can have no idea how happy I am that he can come and visit me while I am there. He is like a brother to me, and he is one of the few people that can calm my nerves which could be why I am so mixed up lately, I haven't chatted with him in months. And it will be great to see him, I haven't seen him in years, not that I am not excited about seeing the guys again, I love them just as much, its going to be a fucking awsome weekend and I am truely deeply excited for it, especially since esther and shannon and maybe holi will be coming with me. n.n * does the happy dance*

Then there is work fun, they keep sceduling me with people who I love so work has been bliss lately even if my assistant manager is being a fucking little bitch because she is angry with me for something I didn't do * scream*. tomarrow I work with Cameron Dakota and sean. * excitement* . Now I hang out with their whole family dakot and camerons that is. They are like my new family, I hang out with their mother, I work with their aunt too, and I hae been adopted as her other daughter now and I talk with thier grandmother and their sister, and their aunts little girl. I LOVE this family. And both lisa and samantha ( aunt and mom) want me to date one of teh sons o.o that scared me a bit. Lisa told me that her and her mom were talking to dakota one day and told him that they thought I was perfect for him... O.O my reaction.... thats a little intense for me. and Dakota's reaction was " I like sasha" , not an ewww no.... not a jesus you guys leave me alone... just I like her.... I felt good about myself that day for a while... I am very huggy with my employees when I work... and dakota is one of the two that hug me back. n.n. I do so like him.

So that is the good stuff at work... and it makes me happy... very very happy.. we have in the last week however had harold quit, chris v quit, king get fired, and I think there was one more... now two of those guys are our lead taco bar people, that leave us with one really solid lead taco bar guy, and thats david. Who usually works my shift.... my exact reaction " SHit" because that means that if they need him in the morning then they steal my taco bar guy... I am insane with rage.

Yesterday I was called in to work because I asked to be if they needed me... The hoods, which are basically our fans that suck out the smoke from the deep frier and the grill when we cook something just stopped. and the radio in lobby stopped working too so it was completey quiet in the returaunt and it creeped both cameron and myself out too the extreme. On top of that our front registers went down so I had to call Jae to fix them. Then the computer that controls like everything in the resturant broke... like wouldn't even turn back on, so people couldn't clock in or out or anything. So we had to write everything down. We checked all the breakers, and nothing was wrong with any of them, and the guy that can fix the hoods can't come in until the next morning O_O so all night the resturaunt was smokey as hell, and no one could breath, Drive thru was moving slower than the norm after nine because I had to cut labor, and some impatient asshole stepped through our back door to yell at us and I told her to get out of the resturant.... see we had all doors open fo that the store could vent. Not the best night of my life.

Friendly fun time.

so Holi esther and I have been hanging out and drawing and going out in the middle of the night to random places, and a few nights ago we went to wiskeytown lake and all three of us strutted around pantless and it was fun. And it was esther's idea, then we had unreasonably perverted conversations ... it was silly.

I think that thats all I have too say..
'
everyone have a nice day

This has been a public service announcement

For those that care

2006-02-22T19:36:38Z

Hello all and welcome to another adition of sasha's emo journal entries... today we will be discussing her relationships, lets begin shall we?

So as some of you know, and if you don't you soon will, I am very upset with my boyfriend currently, to the point where I will not speak with him unless he speaks to me, which is one of the many reasons I was fucking pissed at him to begin with, you see he has this issue where he doesn't ever talk abouthis own problems and just wants mine to flow out freely, or at least it would seem that he expects it, and I expetc him to do the same. But due to a tragety in his childhood, that I will not be cruel enough to mention here, he clammed up and is very closed to the world. Which is kinda the suck for me. So currently I have discovered that there must be something happening in his life that is just horribly mangling his insides and hurting him and I really really want to do nothing more than help, but instead of talking about problems at hand he switches topics, on a dime, and very obviously. >.< And when I try to talk to him about breaking up with him, or even just asking what his problem is, this type of crap happens. He has begun to drink here and there, I don't really know how often but I know it is more often than he usually would, one of my friends tried to pin his pain on the fact that I am never around to talk to him, but to be truthful, I try my best to be, its not easy between having a job and having school... and doing homework and having a decent amount of sleep by the next morning. I can only be as strong as I am made. But I do feel that the fact that I am never around may be one of the factors at this point. I don't want to hurt him, I want to be his friend... I want to nurture him, but he refuses to let me do so. I feel like I can't trust him anymore, and I don't want to be with him. But I don't know what to do, he won't talk to me so I can't make this a clean break up, at the most it looks like I will end up ignoring him because I do to cowardly and to tired of him being non responsive to want to try. I am just so frustrated right now.

I am not saying he is a bad person, or that he was ever mean to me, but I know he would be happier with someone he can talk to on a regular basis, right now I can't even be aorund often enough to be considered a signifigant other, I am barely a friend. The last few times I have imed him he just has said nothing, I don't know if he is busy, or the fact that I am leaving him just cuts him to deep to talk to me. I don't know who could possibly understand what my brain and heart are arguing about, I can scarcly understand thats why I don't whine, I try to solve things on my own. My heart tells me to leave him, he will be happier and we all know you will, and the heart wants what it wants I guess you could say, then my brain says, but look at all he has done for you, he goes out of his way to visit you, he bought you a kimono, he hunted down and burned entire series's of anime's for you, he even saw you cry and was there to hold you even though he didn't know what was wrong or what to do. Hell when you had that evil cloud fallowing you around that caused your brain to hurt, and gave you nightmares so you were constantly tired, it went away once your met bryce in person, completely. Then there are the other factors that he wouldnt realized, like when I roll over to sleep it means, we're done now, I am sleeping now because you have made me uncomfortable.

I just want to be his friend right now, just take a break from having the formal obligation of being his grilfriend, which is the most horrible thing I could ever think or say, but right now it hurts to be with him, because I don't know what is hurting him, I don't know if it is me, or if it is something else. I tried to ask him once, if he was interesting in someone else, or if, perhaps something was hgurting him and he just changed the subject, blantently. How can I try to have relationship with someone who will not tell me how they feel, or I feel I can no longer trust. I know I do love him, or I did, and it cuts me deep that he won't even respond to my hellos anymore. I just don't know what to do. Its so hard to explain that I get a head ache when I think about it. >.< I really want him to be happy, and I have been told time and time again that he is only happy when I am around, and I can't bring myself to believe it, he never sounds happy on the phone, and he always hides himself behind a screen online. I just wish him the best, I wish him to happy, but I can't be the one to usher him to that happiness right now, because I am too emotionally insecure, the type of person that has to be told all the time that a person cared for me... kind of like I have to be told someone likes my artwork, I am a very insecure person, and I always have been. SO I need someone who can be close to me, and who can be open with themselves. Hell I am so insecure that right now I think the world is in loathe with me, I think margie is taking me off the scedule, esther is sick of me at her house, I think in some way I am hurting jessie, and All of the washington people probably just think of me as annoying. >.<

Then there are other things I am unhappy about, sure I a stressed out alot, but wouldn't you be too if your mom was in Iraq and you hadn;t heard from her in two or three weeks.... thats right, my mom hasn't responded to any of my emails, I am more worried than I can stand. Ever day before I go to bed I prey that she hasn't died or something because all day I think she has. Then there is my dad, who, by now, everyone knows the story of. Somedays I wish I could just ignore him, but he is my dad so every word he says to me matters to me, and all of those words seem hurtful all of the time. >.< I am almost to the point where I am sick of everything. But I guess that is to be expected when your 18 and your life feels upsidesdown.

OMG ITS LJ TIME

2006-02-15T23:49:49Z

Time to update, since my last post was angst ridden, this one should not be nearly as bad though... hopfully.... Airu made me a valintine straight from her heart that was hilarious, so I feel better about valentines day than I did yesterday, which consisted of sappy love movies, eating, and candy. For me anyway, you want details talk to other people. And in the time that we were being sappy and lovey I almost cried a few times, so sorry if I brought the group down, I have been depressed about alot of things, that all seem to revolve around my own selfishness. Truth of the matter is I was thinking of hor heart breaking it is for me to want to break up with my current BF, because of alot of difficulties that are his faults in his personality that I can't deal with, when I should be able to >.< Then I started thinking about a guy I clung to at the party a few days ago at Jae's house, who was the only sober one, who kept me from drinking more than I already had... he took care of me... and now I know I feel like I can trust him with alot, but the problem is that I have no way of contacting him to appologize for how obnoxious I probably was, and appologize for using him as my pillow all night ( a damned sexy pillow) until I fell asleep in the corner, and appologize for him having to see me like that, honestly I needed to let go for a while, and the suprising thing was that I didn't get depressed at all. I also need to thank him so much for being so nice to me. * sigh* Needless to say that going near liquor is gunna be a big no no for a while for me.... I hate not being in control, and that night, because I have had alot of drama in the day, along with the week, I completely let myself go, which was not right of me.
Then there is Mark, yeah mark, who, as you may note from my last friended journal, I had a crush on, that was until I heard about his plans for me and how he is " gunna wax that ass" he turned out to be differant than what I thought, which I guess is good because its better to realize it now than some other time later, like when I am alone with him or something right? But it really upsets me, because I personally do not want to believe that about him, and not simply because I like him, because he respectable, or so he seemed to be, and caring when I am at work. So I don't know whether I want to believe second hand knowledge or not in this case, since most of the time second hand knowledge at my work place is nothing but lies. SO it is a hard thing for me to except, and as a result I have been being an enormous bitch to him, making him do bullshit things.... like grate cheese ( doesn't sound like much but it is the biggest pain in the ass in the world when it comes to work you can do)

Jessie, is becoming better around us again, which makes me unbelievebly happy, since that was one of the biggest factors in why I was so distrought. SHe had a talk with holi and it seems they have most of their stuff worked out. Thank you God so much for that. and I believe that Jessie is also doing better as a result, again thank you god so much.

thats all for now...

there is a guy staring at me in awe at how fast I can type. la de dah

<3

2006-02-08T20:47:49Z

I am copy cating

someone be my valintine... I am sad :(

seriously just look at my icon... I put out

jk...

be my valintine... I am lonely and depressed for not good reason

DO SO OR YOU WILL DIE

2006-02-08T09:21:34Z

I stoles it from twinkieofdoom

her: she stoles it from us... our precious

IF YOU ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, OR IF I AM ON YOURS, FILL THIS OUT:
1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Place of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. Do you read my LJ and be truthful about it:
7. If you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
14. Do farts make you laugh:
RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song and an album:
PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you, which most of you won't.

In class

2006-02-02T04:06:33Z

I am bored in class because I finished my asignment... and I have two freaking more hours of class to endure... I have a voice mail on my phone that I fear listening to because I think it will be my dad whining.. or yelling... or bitching, or some such nonsense. I got paid today, thats always good news n.n and I sat next to some guys that were blatently looking at hentai and talking about it rather loudly... so I atarted to look at yaoi to weird them out... then later airu told the librarian about them.. hehe I bet they got into so much trouble. Anywho, I told my manager LIsa about what happened and I got Laura, our new manager( who was on shift at the time) to say something too and she is talking about it to our GM, and they are aparently going to have a meeting with the guy... * sigh* The sad thing is that I know he is a good worker... and he is one of the few that we have right now and I don't want to get him fired, but on the same account I don't want to have to work in an autmosphere where he is going to be mean to me because I caused him trouble. >.< well I guess I am done.

had a bad day again

2006-01-30T19:23:45Z

Hello all, I am sorry if I give anyone a bad impression of myself over the next few days, I am not exactly having the easiest time of things. SO here I will explain.

Since FC I have not spent the night at my own house, I have been staying out at :iconfreakyratchild:'s home, because its closer to my work and school than my house, and I like her couch, not to mention that when we first returned from furcon she was very down and upset, much like she was before we left. But that is for people to find out from her. I am not complaining about not being home, it is very much so by my own choice, so I am not complaing about that. I am complaining about work. I know that many of you have to here me whine about work every day because I don't want to go, but I have my reasons... more than ever right now I am going to quit, I can not handle it.

All of the good employees we have are quitting, including most of the managers, as of right now the only people that still work there that were there when I first began are: Jae, my assistant manager, Margie, our GM, Robert, another manager who is quiting soon, and Elisse, who seems like she will be around for a while. thats it out of a crew of about 20-40 people. all of the new people are insanely retarded, most of which I can stand.... but the people I work with that are newer are assholes, lets begin with Robert marshall, robert marshall decided he wanted to diss my personal favorite band by saying that they are racist, and also said that no one listens to the beatles, and that he has never heard of led zeplin, his a rap boy, and he is as white as snow. I was insanely mad, but I cooled off, the very next day he decided he wants to moch everything that I do at work as well as spike my drink with our hot sauce from the store( he chose the wrong day and wrong time to do that prank considering I was already very depressed) then continued to moch me about that. Then there is Bryan, he is my biggest issue right now, he is bigger than I am and scares me as it is, but he is for the most part a nice person, he expidites for me when he knows I can't... does things that the new, retarded manager tells me to do when she just told me to do something two seconds ago ( she does that to everyone though), but honestly this guy yesterday had trapped me in a corner and towel wipped me, held my hands behind me to tickle me, and later on slapped me on my ass rather hard. Needless to say I have to talk to either Jae or margie about his behavior. Now I am fearful to go to work, I don't want to have to work with him again, not without one of my comfort zone people there, which none of them were last night. Tonight I work with Robert and I work with Lisa ( the managers) hopfully I can talk them into keping him and I seperated for the day. Or perhaps to send me home early. Then there is bryans younger brother, who is a complete imbosile, he whines about everything, and he doesn't do his job half the time, and then is completely arrogant, like he is the king of del taco just because he used to be a manager at Mc Donalds, we are a wholenother ball park from them.

IN anycase, I have not had the best time at work lately, especially last night, probably because we had a new manager in and they felt like they could do this dumb shit and get away with it. But my butt hurts, that was a hard slap, any harder and it may have bruised.

I think I am done now.

If you are reading this and you want to see me let me know on this journal if you can, I am not hanging out with holi to avoid anyone, just trying to lay low.

I MISS YOU JAKI< BUNNY< WOLFIE<AND TOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG FC BITCH

2006-01-25T20:15:35Z

Hello all, its been a while since I posted... but now I have too otherwise I might loose contact with people.

So I went to FUR CON which was the most fun I have had in a while and made some really really REALLY good friends, it was worth the shitty con crud after to go and meet them. ANd luckily my woman period waited until all of my new friends were gone to start on me * praises her lord and savior for that* These new friends are Jaki ( who I met via Airu ), Bunny ( otherwise known as Jack and is a kick testice artist), Wolfy ( who is too quiet but is a riot once you get him to open up) and Tommy ( who is bigger than me, quieter than me, and flinchier than me, I told him he needed to grow a mouth by the next time I saw him)

all of which are gay, except one who is bi and they ahve all grown to be a kind of security blanket, like I have at work with a few people there. We had some stuff happen on this trip that made everyone upset at everyone else, but we won't go into that. I made roughly 100$ and between food and gas for my car I am down to fifty again. >.<, but I have 50 in paypal too once I can get it out. anywho, these guys helped me to not be what they call " emo" for most of the time I was there and they were unfortunate enough to see everyone upset.

We stayed up all night telling stories with Jaki, and he got a bunch of free pictures from me as a result, a few of which he had better scan or I will kick is white boy ass. ( the blue dragon thing, and the water color wolf mostly) So I hope to see them in the not so distant furture.

I think thats all I have to say for right now. I must go pimp my DA bitches.

akinarose @ 2005-11-28T09:21:00

2005-11-28T17:38:19Z

List seven songs you are into right now. no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your livejournal along with your seven songs.

1. "Judith ( remixed )" A perfect Circle
2. "Time is running out" The Muse
3. "Smile like you mean it" The killers
4. "Child Prey" Dir En Grey
5. "Itoshi hito" Miyavi
6. "Wish you were here" Pink FLoyd
7. "Miracle happen" Pet Shop Boys
8. " Bohemian rapsody" Queen

sorry I couldn't just do 8

Happy late thanks giving everyone, I hope your holiday was good, and festive, and that your bellies were swollen from too much food. Or perhaps back broken from too much sex for some of you. Yeah I'm vulgar.

thats a quote from love actually.

Lets see what new thinge have happened that I feel like I can share :

I saw the new harry potter movie, mostly for the graphics and because my boss wanted someone to go with, and it was actually a very good movie, I was suprised with it, seeings as how I hate the main character ( yes I have seen all the movies thus far * hangs head in shame* ) It even got my so nervous about what was happening that I felt like I was going to puke. So when it got to the most climactic part, when voldomort returns and him and harry stand off, the screen blacked out for like 5 minutes with the sound on..... >.< everyone exited the theater that was there and there were no employees there... no one. SOmehow we all managed to get refund tickets by the end, so I had to go see it again for those five minutes of play time. >.O I was inraged.
My thanksgiving was kind of lonely since I felt so left out of my family, not really I just felt distanced... I wasn't all there, and I got really depressed and left my first thanksgiveing with grandma ann and attended my second at holi's house, since her mom has not had the best of times lately. Then my third ( yesterday ) was with grandma laurie, and I hadn't slept because of somethings that have happened AND gone to work from the hours of 6-2, so that I could be there with ther family.... then went to holi's to check on them and went back home and crashed....

I don't have much of an appetite lately because I have no real need for one. SO I have been eating less and less for a variety of reasons. My right hand has broken out in small red bumps and I have no idea what from, but they don't itch, or inhibit me from doing things, its just kind of there.

That and I found out the my uncle roy is goimg to pass away if he doesn't get a lung transplant, so I have, probvably no hopes of ever seeing him again * sigh*

well thats my thanksgiving holiday weekend, and I am thankful for the family and friends that I still manage somehow to keep.

K so maybe I should try to post

2005-11-14T19:59:18Z

I don't have much to say, I relized that I never post on anything anymore because I have no internet at my house because my dad and kimi won't get it done, and every chance they have to get that done, something mysteriously comes up, and its getting kinda old. I drew shinya toshiya smut the other day to help myself feel better because I have a bit of a cold from hell and it won't go away * bleeds*, so I felt ok for a little bit. I wish I could be online, I have crap I need to do, like school works, but what ever.

I am sick, and still I push myself to go to work, I didn't go to class today, but I still came to the cmapus so that I could be online for alittle bit. I think I might call in sick to work, but knowing me I probably won't... I worked all four days of my four day weekend * cry* but I am excited for next month... I get to see my <3... and thats always good for me. well thats all I have to say, I lead a very boring life.

Don't ask

2005-10-20T07:08:00Z

Don't ask me why, but I am just not in a good mood tonight, and I am not talking angry, I am not talking in a pissy mood because of my period like most women, I am talking straight up, in tears, depressed over everything, not any one thing in particular, just everything that you could imagine for someone like me to angsty about I have and it still going down an obsenely long list. Here's the thing, nothing triggered it. I just up and started crying because a friend of mine was telling me how he went to help his mommy today and I just lost it, not on him though, I managed to control myself for him, because he goes through too much hardhship in his life as it is and I feel no need to burden anyone with my distress especially him. He has too much crap to deal on his own, I wish only to help people, so I try not to be as sad as I am now too often. But for now I think I will ramble a bit about how things are currently going in my life, and how unhappy it generally makes me. <3 SO in other words, don't read beyond this point unless you want to hear pointless, aimless frothing, that should not upset a normal person. <3

it begins this evening when I was talking to a dear friends from deviantart, ronnie, and he mentioned just the slightest little thing about how he ot to help his mother today with moving thinsg and such. SOmething so small should not be able to cause what tonight did, but it has a melange of resons to be truthful, over the past few weeks all I have been doing is work and school, and if its not one of those it is moving out of my old house and into my new house in the middle of fucking no where. Or at least thats what it feels like, because if I am not doing one of those things my dad is bitching at me to do one of those things >.< So, just so you newbe's have the low down on this whole moving thing, I have lived in my current home for teh past 4 years, two of which I have pretty much lived on my own because dad would just stay at his girl friends house and leave me alone thinking nothing of it. Which did hurt me a bit at that time, but it was good to have the time alone because I am a teenager, I like that sort of thing, so I dealt with it. SO now that I am used to all of this time by myself, managing to live, sleep and eat on my own dad decided, lets all move in together, it will be a grand happy ass fucking time. ANd on top of that, lets try to complete all teh sonstruction I wanted to do on this houe oevr teh last few years in a 2 month span. Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful idea dad, except for one thing, sasha doesn't exactly fit into your whole grand scheme of things. I have come to grips over those last few years that dad does in fact love this woman more than he loves me, which I really don't care about, it doesn;t bother me in the least, she's a very kind and generious strong and intelegant woman, the perfect match for my stupid fucking blind dad. ANotehr charming thing he has chosen to do, is attempt to take back control over what I can and can't do jnow that I am 18, I am sorry dad but that is not how the world is supposed to work. not to my knowledge anyway.
then there is my work. Work isn;t so bad, I don't mind the people, but I have to deal with the most stupid people in the world, or the meanest as our customers, oh how I love working in fast food industry. SO I am emotionally strained, mentally strained and physically strained.
This is all reasoning behind why something so miniscule asn "I helped my mom do stuff today" had such an affect on me, in my belief. He simply says this and I begin to think to myself, my mother is so far away, I get to see her only once a year, and of course I lead myself into misery. My motehr has a new life, for those of you that don;t know, a new husband, a new child a new baby, a beautiful house, a life someone might dream, of, a life that she could not have sooner because I was there, because I was born. But its ok, I am not really needed in her life anymore anyway, she is happy with her husband, that shares mutual hate hate relations with me, and beaufiul baby, who I adore, I simply do not fit in with her. All I want is for her to bhappy in her life, and I can't help but think her life would be happier if I wasn't in it. This is not because I desire your pity or reassurance on this topic, its because I really mean it, she makes little to no effort to keep in touch with me, and when I call her she is busy, or has to tend to my baby brother or any possible excuse you could imagine. If she does call me it is always about something dumb like rebates for my computer or such things. useless.
SO I begin to think about my father, I don't really fit in intohis life either, he wants me to, but I don't, no matter what I do in his eyes it will always be wrong because there is no pleasing him. Simply that, and on his side of the situation he would have never joined teh military if I hadn't come to be, so his back injury would have never occured.
I know it is nmot really right to blame myself for stupid things, but bare with me for just a little while, I am in a piss poor mood and if you attack e for it I am likely not to speak with you for a while. NOw there are my other mothers in life, only two of which I really consider my mothers, out of three or four as it used to be. No offense to the other two, I still love them every bit as much. These two are kimi and cheryl, kimi has treated me with more kindess and understanding than my own father normally does. Then my other mommy, the one I have held close to my heart since I met her, even if she is irrtating at times, cheryl, everyone is going to loose her soon, but people who read this probably already knew that because you know esther. or you are esther. anyway, sasha is not in teh best of shape tonight... so sorry if you read through this evil rant of mind. I hope you have a nice evening.

I woke up late

2005-10-12T15:45:11Z

DUDe's...today I didn't wake up until 740 am, when I am supposed to leave my house at 7 ;.; so needless to say I am not in math right now, because I am fairly certain he would not let us in in a million years. SO it isn't that I am ditching.. its that I suck balls, traffic was bad, my alarm DID NOT go off, and I got here at 830. =.= But its still my own fault for staying up to late... though even if I went to bed at 9 I am sure I would have still slept in. But I found a lovely site of nothing but Toshiya pictures, all opf which made me die a little inside.... <.< * oogles them* Undoubtably anna will be mad with me for not going to class, but coming to class late isn't my idea of a good start, because it means opening a squeaky door, slinking over to yoru seat with nothing but shame filling you face and sit in your seat. Thus you have disrupted class and the teacher is mad at you, and will either, make fun of you or growl and move on, either way, I did not want to do that. Now I will probably fail the test on fri because I missed out on something that I am assuming I don't know too well, since it probably is what we started to cover last fri and mon.. I don't know it so good, so I have a big fat f coming my way, I can smell it. My english paper is thankfully done at a sweet 4 and half pages XD heck yess... hopfully I do good on it in my teachers eyes, chances are he won't fallow my metaphors though, because he is retarded and doesn't seem to like symbolism and stuff like that too much. We are talking about the teacher who docked me points for having too much fun while I write after all, so I got a B instead of an A. * shrugs* but it doesn't matter so long as I pass in my opinion. SO this has been my loveley morning, and I am sure it will shape up to be just the best fucking day I have ever had, since people are going to yell at me for missing class... and yell at me for an essay... and yell about everything * shrugs* they will learn to cope I suppose... ANY ONE who can, give me picture ideas.

I am a bad person.

2005-10-05T18:45:27Z

Hello everyone.

Today I came to school contary to what I have been doing for the past week or so of slacking off completely and totally, which was fun then, but now I realize how utterly F***ing stupid I am for doing so in teh first place. Just because I was bored, or tired, or didn't want to see my english teacher. Because of me being absolutely stupid I have hurt two very important friends of mine, one anna and jessie, and nowthey have barely spoken to me all day, because they are so madat me for my choices. Not that any of them will read this or anything because neither of them no my account name on livejournal or even that I have one because when I write a journal it isn't really about people caring or people reading it, its about me trying to sort things out most of the time, to run things over in my mind and try to figure it out on my own. But if they should happen to come across this I hope they know how sorry I am for aggrivating them so badly, but I am more mad at myself than they could ever hope to be.
You see, today there was a test in my mus11 class, and being the idiot I am I didn't know so I came to class, sick as a dog mind you, saw people coming in with their scantrons and bolted to my car then to the campus shop ( which are on opposite sides of teh campus for me) and got back to class just in time for the test to start, because I am just good like that. But, it was stupid of me in teh first place, and while I might be frustrated to begin with for jessie not telling me, I can't hold it againts her though I may have told her and her circumstances been as mine, but I still understand. To her right now, I am a bitch who does nothing but ignore her and leave her out of everything which I never mean to do. Especially since everything I usually do is based around spotoneity, so it is not that I am avoiding her, or avoiding anna, it is that I want to have fun when I want to, so I do. So to them, I say I am deeply sorry and I understand you being so upset with me.
The truth of the matter is, that I might be taking things in a bit to seriously, maybe.... I am sick today and I over read things, make them into more than they are, but jessie especially seems to hate my guts today, and that alone made me cry. But I am not exactly having a good day, so that is to be expected.
<3's to all of you guys.